What is a man's worth?

Hey, it's the end of the school term, and naturally i got alot of reflections, too many thoughts running thru my head, just watching days go by...

Haha i'm gonna rant a little now. I was in desolate solitude just the other day, thinking thru all the things in life. Suddenly i had so much to say, so much to resolve. My bro came back with all the singapore sports council stuff that day in preparation for his australian competition in Australia. I'm so proud of him, that he can represent singapore, it's just fantastic. I was not jealous at all, but i felt something strange in my heart. My brother had something to give, something which he could be proud of. He's cool, smart, handsome, tall, popular, and wad not. Everyone whos sees us calls him older brother lah, then my parents will enlighten them. My father feels that i've not been satisfactory as an older brother, in fact i seem to be the younger brother, looking at the way i do things. He's a national sportsman, and he can get second in class; i barely made it thru to rj, despite having more time on my hands. He's a risk-taker, the kind like james bond u know, cool and unnerving, he won 35 bucks during CNY; i don't even dare risk a hundred bucks in a game of monopoly. He's so tall, so strong, so...blessed. He doesn't think so much, he's happy-go-lucky. Here i am, with so many strange habits, used to be a problem kid. I'm just a guy next door, armed with a couple of lame jokes, trying to catch up with his younger brother in so many things. Haha, wad can i give? Contrary to popular belief, i am NOT ego at all kay! :) In fact, i have pretty low self-esteem.

These 10 weeks have passed too fast, i have hardly grasped it, and felt the pleasure at all. I merely scratched it, and now i want to have another go at it again, if i could. I feel like i'm wasting the prime of my life, giving it away, letting it slip out of my hands, right in front of my very eyes. Did i spend it correctly? Am i going to live in regret for the rest of the time? I see other ppl enjoying themselves, they dun seem to study. They really live life man. Good grades and good life.

While i was taking the train home today, as usual, u know, i would...do my stuff. Looking out of the train window, staring at the fast-moving darkness outside, i wondered wad i was doing, really. Was i putting in enough effort? Am i putting in effort at all? Wad have i done? i could be enjoying the same scenario as them, i could be! there must have been a mistake somewhere. i dunno, at that time, i was thinking, i could be having lots of fun, u know if i were not trying to lead a holy life. I could be telling all the jokes that i'm not supposed to, being much more aggressive, hitting on all the girls, basically enjoying myself to the max, staying up late, having a sunday freed up, etc. i could pursue all my dreams! Yeah, i'm gonna prove to everyone i'm not some puny punk, i'm gonna do wadever it takes, to get wad i want.

I managed to get a grip on myself though. Somehow, i couldn't let go of God, i kept thinking, all i need is Jesus, bcos He has always been there to comfort me. He's the reason i give up certain things. Perhaps i have not been living as i should, but i know with God's help i can live up to wad He wants me to be, and i know there is hope! Jesus comforted me. I asked Him, wad am i worth. I have nothing to give at all. He said I'm so precious in His eyes that even if i were the only one on earth, He would come down and die on the cross for me. Well, other things happened too, but i very tired now of typing. Yes, even my english is broken, yup, so tell u more on sunday! haha byebye, and lets have cell outing!


Tim