Self Reflection

I've been thinking over this for a long time. i realise that i dont have much courage for many things, that even mysef i think that i have faulted too much, even if i repent i wont be able to keep up my resistance...

i have not done so well for my exams, i have only passed two out of my six subjects, and things are not going so well. i know that i should not make my life full of depressions but the feeling of failure is there, and its already the mid-years. June-July-August-September-October. The only thing thats keeping me away from overcoming my own fear is the fact that only 5 months seperate me from the 'O' level exams had instilled fear and uneasiness in me, even after i close my eyes and fill myself with air to clear my thinking, as well as after the happy moments that i have spent, i laspe back into the mindset that i will not be able to complete my objectives in time. My SS and Geography are the main killers, i can hardly memorize what they really want at all.

I have to say that i have npot been taking myself seriously. I have allowed myself to become overconfident after passing my 'N' levels. Even if i have passed with six points in my best three subjects, i have allowed myself to think that doing well in the 'N' levels is enough, and the time frame between the Ns and Os is still a long way. Neither did i predict that the first 5 months in 2007 will be so fast in my terms, that i wasted my time playing games as well as playing sports that i hardly leave any time for my studies, and more critically, for God.

I have felt myself backsliding these few months. Ever since the start of the year i lost all my time management, as well as my priorities. Although i may put up a front which shows that i still have much faith, many incidents have left me actually shaken in faith, although i try my best to keep myself in God's light. When times are good, i praise Him, when times are bad, i thank Him for allowing it to happen, so as to make me stronger in myself. When i'm with friends, i feel happiness, but when all is over and the day is quiet, i feel failure reaching out to trap me again. Many times have i thought if i'm really into God, i try to get close to Him in my own way, but not the correct way. In the recent months, i felt that i have been a disappointment... i know people who are strong in their faith of God, as well as those who can help, but i always feel myself falling behind, no matter how much i try to deny it, its always haunting inside my thoughts.

I dont know if its demonic attackes or just my own thinking, but i do know after hearing the sermons in church, as well as recalling the meaning to the best of my ability, that the Deciver has something to do with it. Even as i type this, i realise more and more that i have missed, that i have overlooked, things that i should have found out and put down before my life fell into the crisis that i'm experiancing now. I felt distant even from myself, let alone God. I felt that feeling to dwell into the word in some periods of time, but i allow myself to just turn off the lights and sleep. I even realised that i didnt even put in real effort to try and make a comeback. At some times i even found myself frightened by what i have gotten myself into, like not preparing well for exams, not studying at all, falling into temptation which eventually destroys myself in school life.

Before i even started on this text document, i have intended to just uninstall as many things as possible from my com, things that will harm my concentration in things. I also allowed my interests to get the better of me, to allow them to rank first in my priorities instead. Many times at night when i cant sleep i realise that many things which i could do to improve myself, like... studying instead of playing, doing QT instead of tossing and turning around in bed thinking of my past failures. Things have passed, some of which i know is my fault, some of which is indirectly pointed at me, but try as i might to forget them, the Accuser will always form them back into my mind. Examples? many, like not doing so well for my past work, not doing so well in the IE camp for sparklighters, not spreading the Gospel as much as i should, not acheiving stuff which i suposedly could. Even failing to keep God's commandments at times. I even noticed that i ended up blaming myself for such things, feeling powerless to change the outcome. I have told others that whats done is done, but now, who am i to even tell them that when i cant even overcome them myself ?

Just when i feel that i'm all down and out, i finally did a full self-reflection to myself. I clear myself, and finally dawn upon me that i should type this out.

Joshua 1:5-9

No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As i with Moses, so i will be with you.; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Be strong and courageous, because you will leas these people to inherit the land i swore to their forefathers to give them. be strong and courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.
Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate in it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.
Have I not commanded you ? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Amen.


It Is You - Darlene Zschech as performed by Hillsongs Australia

Lamp unto my feet
Light unto my path
It is You
Jesus, it is You

This treasure that I hold
More than finest gold
It is You
Jesus, it is You

With all my heart
With all my soul
I live to worship You and
Praise forever more
Praise forever more
Lord everyday
I need You more
On wings of heaven I will soar
With You
You take my brokenness
Call me to Yourself
There You stand
Healing in Your hands