how bad can you be?

While walking home last night, Sufjan Steven’s John Wayne Gacy, Jr. was playing on my iPod, and the lyrics struck me. Awhile back I Wiki-ed John Wayne Gacy Jr. and basically he’s one of the most notorious serial killers in America, not least because he raped and killed 33 boys and men, under the disguise of a clown, but also cos he stored those bodies beneath the floorboards of his house. So yeah, the song was about him, until the end,

And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid


It’s something that’s been on my mind for quite awhile now, but which I struggle to put adequately into words (as with many other things as well). Generally, I’m quite a good person, I guess. Rather good schools, rather stable family, many friends I would trust my life with, no drugs, no piercings except my ears, hardly curse, etc. Most importantly, no criminal record, cos as much as the government advocates the Yellow Ribbon Project, we all know it will remain a myth for a long time coming.

We all have a rough consensus on what constitutes crime - murder, rape, drugs, drink driving, assault, even petty crimes like shoplifting should not be spared. We have been warned from young to stay away from these things, because they are bad and if we commit them, we become evil. But just because I haven’t done these things, and others have and are now incarcerated, does that make me guilt-free? Does that make me a better person?

There have been many moments in my life, that in my mind’s eye, I have committed some of these crimes. On hindsight, some of these thoughts really scare me, cos it shows the worst of me. Other times, it may not be that bad, but it's still not good. Like, being so angry with someone that I have seriously imagined getting rid of him/her forever. Even with my parents. Other instances too, where I took a few notes from my dad’s wallet and conveniently ‘forgot’ to tell him. How about the times when I spoilt someone’s property but never owned up for fear of being chided, or being disliked? You may say these are really trivial matters, everyone does it - it’s only human.

First, just cos majority of the people have gone through it does not make it okay. Second, the intention to hurt is there, the same intensity of emotions. Perhaps the only difference between these inmates and myself is that their crimes are labelled as crimes, and they got caught. Mine weren’t. They remain the skeletons in my closet that, luckily for me, do not have drastic consequences on my life. But more than that, I’m convinced that if I were put in the same situation as them, and went through the same life they did, I’d have done exactly the same thing. We may not be so different after all. This thought humbles me.

There is no crime of which I do not deem myself capable. - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe.

Jess